Hope and Action (Hope vs. Action?)

NYC, London, Sacramento, over the past decade. So many more where these came from, so many more that are still waiting to be taken.

“It appears to be the same rotten old wheel that keeps this country churning:

Oppression, hatred, cruelty, and fear.

We are hanging in there, tiptoeing around, then suddenly jumping full force

With our Doc Martens into the middle of it.

It’s either hide in the shadows and hope for the best or be the change you want to be for your children.

It won’t happen for us, but we can do it for the next generations.

If we don’t maintain some kind of semblance of hope there wouldn’t be any point in living anymore.

So hope pushes us forward, but reality makes it clear that Hope alone won’t save the day.

And if we don’t fight then we are no more than cowards really.

This world is so much bigger than a bar, a city, a country.

This world is so much bigger than the individual.”

(Excerpt from a work in progress with a working name of “Belonging”. It may or may not see the day).

We Can Still Hope For Change

It was March 1996, and I was 17 years old at the time. A man walked into an elementary school in Scotland and used a gun to kill 16 little kids, their teacher, and himself. I still remember how I cried, repeating to myself “but this doesn’t happen here!!!”. Because it didn’t.

It only took one such incident to happen in the UK for the authorities to clamp down on gun violence and pass through laws to prevent it ever happening again. And to this day it hasn’t.

April 1999, Columbine. July 2012, Aurora. December 2012, Sandy Hook. June 2016, Orlando. October 2017, Las Vegas… You know the deal, you all get the alerts on your phones, the news on your social media feeds. Just a month ago another kid walked into a school in Parkland, Florida with an AK-15 and killed 17 people (not counting those who were left injured and traumatized). Growing up in England and France the idea of owning a firearm was something that was for American movies and books, and the police force (although in the UK the truncheon was the only “weapon” allowed). In 1995, after the bombings on the Métro we saw a larger armed police presence on the streets in France, but gun violence was never something we were worried about, even in the neighborhoods with higher crime rates. We watched the news about Columbine with horror, but with a “this doesn’t happen here” attitude. Because honestly it didn’t, and it still doesn’t.

But I’ve lived in the US for a long time now. I understand the Constitution and what it stands for. I have read through the Amendments and I understand what the Second Amendment means. What I don’t understand, and probably never will, is the obsession the general population has with gun rights. I can kind of wrap my head around wanting to have a hand gun at home in case you *may*need it. I get owning a shotgun or a rifle to use for hunting purposes. I can even get behind the idea that some people enjoy shooting at targets on a gun range, as a skill to practice. What I don’t understand is why a person would need to own a gun that rapidly sprays out bullets, or why one would want to stockpile weapons in their homes, or even why people are more concerned about losing their rights to own all types of guns than they are about kids being mowed down in schools.

Call me naïve if you want to, but I really don’t understand how a teenager can legally buy an AR-15 but not a beer. And I really hate the fact that I actually know what an AR-15 is, what its purpose is, and its history. I could have quite happily gone through my life never needing to know all of that. I don’t care whether it is technically not an assault rifle: it was created to kill multiple people within seconds.

In my own personal opinion, we need real change. I haven’t seen anyone in my circles advocate for a complete ban on weapons, or a law depicting everyone hand in their firearms. I don’t think anyone is asking for that. I’m sure that a lot of people are very careful with their guns and don’t use them to go around murdering people, or don’t leave them out so their toddler can find them. However, whichever way you look at it the gun violence statistics are chilling, and we have to find a way forward where we can send our kids to school without worrying about them getting killed.

But why do I keep hearing of all types of different solutions that don’t involve curbing access to guns instead? Arming teachers, for one. Teachers barely make ends meets and work many more hours than they are paid for. They have to pay for supplies, so who is going to give them the money for guns and training? I’m sure there are some teachers who feel comfortable using a gun, but I’m also sure there are many who don’t, and anyway, I think we already ask way too much of our teachers. And also… What good is a hand gun going to do in the face of an AK-15? We have to remember that even if a teacher or security guard manages to get to the shooter, it only takes a few seconds for an AK-15 to do the job it was designed to do. And we need to find the solution that will avoid those few seconds ever happening.

I know that many of my contemporaries, myself included, feel like we failed the generations that come right behind us. We were in our teens and early 20’s when Columbine happened. We could have lobbied more for stricter laws, for better early intervention when it comes to mental health, especially for kids, and just for less of a focus on “don’t take my right to own a gun away!” and more on “let’s work together to make our country safer”. We could have done so much better. After Sandy Hook we could have done more, been more active in the grassroots campaigns that were born out of a need for better, safer laws when it comes to guns.

But I see how the students of the most recent mass shooting in Parkland are standing up, raising their voices and not backing down, and it gives me hope. Where we failed they will hopefully prevail, and I for one will be standing with them all the way. What we need now is proper reform, on a federal level, where people don’t fall through the cracks and loopholes cannot be taken advantage of. And if these teens have anything to do with it that is what we will get. It really makes me so happy to see the strength, resolve, and fight in these kids, and definitely gives me hope that in general, as parents, we are doing a good job in raising the next leaders.

I’m looking forward to marching with my own kids on March 24th, standing with all of the brave, smart, and active teenagers who want real change. Join us at your local #MarchForOurLives.

Your Safety Is An Illusion

As a child I would curl up in a chair and devour books about WW2, Résistance fighters, Holocaust stories, and think about how lucky I was to be living in a safe country, protected by our freedom and our laws. I would listen to Tracy Chapman and Bob Dylan and feel inspired to become a real activist, always speaking my mind and never letting anyone put me down. As a young teen I delved deep into feminism and activism through people like Marge Piercy, studied the Civil Rights movement, wishing that I had been alive in the 60’s so that I could have been a part of it. I butted heads with my American history teacher during my first year at university in France, chastised for using the word “massacre” in an essay describing the battle of Wichita Village. There were no massacres apparently. It didn’t matter, I knew I was right, and I was stubborn. I sang to Bikini Kill and Hole, shy but ready to fight for equal rights. I still assumed that I was safe: privileged and safe. When I moved to the US I spent the first few years being proud to live in NYC, discovering a city that brought every part of me into a whole. I finally understood why so many people wanted to live in the US, and despite her flaws, she would be the place I felt the safest. Still, I understood how privileged I was, and how lucky: young working class white girl from England and France, running around the streets of the Big Apple, every opportunity available to me should I want to try it. I WAS safe, I really thought I was.

As I was putting the dishes away just now, relishing in the first moments of calm after putting the kids to bed the too frequent realization that we are NOT safe here washed over me. I live in a country where (just to name a few of the most glaring issues:

• You could be gunned down at the movies, in church, on the street, in a bus, at school, or anywhere else for that matter, at any time.
• Racism is institutionalized and constant: we may all have the same “rights” but POC still have to face racism and aggressions every single day of their lives, even from those who are supposed to be allies.
• People are called “illegals” when they don’t have the documentation that allows them to legally live and work in this country, even those who have been here for decades, or most of their lives.
• Women are in constant fear of losing their reproductive rights.
• Women STILL earn less than men, and POC women usually earn less than white women. For the same position and same job.
• Sexual harassment, assault, and abuse are still rampant in all levels of society, and the president has gleefully admitted to harassing and assaulting women on tape.
• When victims are brave enough to report assault and harassment they are usually blamed, their lives dissected and paraded for all to see, and finally made to shut up. Usually white, male perpetrators get a slap on the wrist, or become president.
• Immigration officials have no qualms about shoving 10 year old post-op kids with Cerebral Palsy in detention centers without their parents, or going into schools to check out possible undocumented fourth graders, or trying to deport adults who have an American parent, but whose other parent forgot to do the paperwork when they arrived in the US decades before.
• We are being governed by a disgusting idiot, most likely thanks to the Russians who have been on a massive hacking spree, probably infiltrating everything they can, in cohorts with the extreme far right wingers.
• Anyone can buy an assault rifle and use it.
• The current administration considers a median income of $450,000 a year as “lower middle class”.
• Climate change is apparently a farce, even though we are faced with the reality of it every single day.

So, no, we do not live in a safe country. We are not at war (unless you consider the “war on terrorism” to be a legitimate war), and there is no civil war raging within our borders. People seem to think that this country is still doing pretty OK, and some delusional individuals even think that this president is going to “make America great again”. But we are NOT safe. Our enemies could literally be anyone, even a neighbor who you say hello to every morning. While there HAVE been some isolated attacks by “radicalized” persons who were not born here, we have a lot more to fear from gun-toting homegrown terrorists than we do from ISIS. And we have a LOT to fear from this current administration, because everywhere you turn a liberty is being knocked down, and down every road you go a roadblock is being thrown up. It’s been a year since the elections now, and nearly 11 months of Trump, and it’s a LOT worse than even I imagined it would be. And I was considered a fearmongerer back then. I fear for my partner and for my children. I fear for my friends who don’t fit in your WASP box (which basically means 99% of them). And I fear for this country as a whole, and for this world in general more than ever.

I used to imagine myself working for the Résistance, wondering if I had possibly been alive in France in the 1940’s in a previous life. I used to imagine working underground during the civil rights movement, always on the run, always challenging the system. And now I find myself, at the age of 39, fearful for our lives and our safety, penning letters and articles and stories, writing faxes to Congress every day, calling representatives I don’t even have the right to vote for, planning escape routes to Mexico and Canada, and generally just wondering what else I can do to make us safe again. I can’t vote here, and even then I am beginning to wonder just how much of a difference it would make (that would never stop me from voting though).

And yes, I know we don’t live in a war-torn country, running for our lives while the government rains down biological weapons on our heads or holds us hostage in our homes. I know that I don’t have to worry about my children being trained to become child soldiers before they hit the age of 10. I know that there is no imminent danger of us all dying tomorrow from some kind of chemical warfare… But I will never feel safe here ever again. As much as we fight gun laws never change. As much as we talk about the benefits of immigration, people still hate us, as much as we talk about the decline of racism, it is still a very prominent and ingrained issue in this country, and as much as we talk about women having equal rights, we are still fighting for real equality. Gay marriage may be legal today, but in the mean time people are pushing through idiotic transphobic laws, and camps to “convert” gay teens STILL exist. So yeah, maybe we aren’t so free after all. And we are definitely NOT safe.

Please, for the sake of us all, do your part in the resistance. Because if we don’t all band together, no matter who we are or where we are from, we are going to wake up one day and find ourselves in a reality we never thought possible. And even those privileges we took for granted yesterday will probably be gone. We cannot let this happen.

(Do your part by voting in local elections today PLEASE).

Ramblings: How Bad Can It Get?

I haven't been able to sleep well recently, and this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that my kids wake me up through-out the night. I'm used to that, so much that my sleep app counts that as "restless" moments and not actual "awake" moments. No, it's more than that, a constant feeling of anxiety that has installed itself deep in my stomach, a growing knot that won't go away. It's as if something is going to happen but I don't know what. Every time something awful happens in the world I think "this is it!", but that feeling won't go away. It's growing and perpetual and pushing my balance off completely. The last time I felt this way was just after 9/11, and it took me a long, long time to find a new balance and to discover faith in myself and mankind again. I fear that this is going to be even more difficult now.

This feeling comes from a place of deep incomprehension. I have never understood why humans consistently hate and destroy each other, and call me what you will, I will never understand it. I was brought up to love life, other people and our planet, and as cynical as some things may have made me over the years, I continue to follow my path with those simple thoughts at the forefront of my mind - I will never let hate overrun them. I understand that my skin colour and place of birth have given me privileges over others, but why these privileges exist I will never understand. I'm white, heterosexual and was born in a first world country, so this automatically means that there are doors open to me that are not for others. For anyone in the same position as me to deny that means that they are kidding themselves. Just really look around and see how the world is today, white privilege has never gone away, hell it’s just as prevalent as it's always been, except for now people just try to deny it still exists. It never went away. I can't embrace it though, because I don't want it to exist. I don't want to be part of a world where one person hates another because of what they look like. I don't want to live in a world where one person will be accepted without even a question while another has to fight for acceptance just because they were born in another country or of another skin colour. I don't want to walk down the street and hear people muttering under their breath about someone because he or she practices a different religion. I don't want to hear kids calling each other names based on sexual orientation or skin colour, not understanding how hurtful and awful those words are. I don't want to hear, see and feel so much hatred around me and my fellow humans, so rooted in our societies that it has become the norm. I don't want to live in a world where we all shrug our shoulders, turn away and stick our heads in the sand again.

I've recently been day dreaming about packing up again and taking my family to a deserted island and living out our lives there, in peace, together. While that's not really doable, I've come to believe that it's the only way to get away from a world that believes in hatred, power and war. Where politicians spout ridiculous ideas and where people just sit there and lap it up, incapable of opening their eyes and making up their own minds. Where the word "democracy" has become a joke, and where we are all meant to pretend that everything is OK and that this is what life is. I need to find that fight in me again and join those who will not give up to the endless rat race, and will not back down until we have figured out a new way forward.

Yes, I am an idealist. And yes, I know a lot of these ideals that I have may sound slightly simple or simplistic. But in the end, we are the ones who have made everything so complicated. There was, and is still, no need to divide people up based on skin colour, religion, sexual orientation or gender. We ARE all equal, and we should all be free. Hatred is a learned emotion, as is fear, and we can start making a change by teaching our future generations to not judge a person by what they look like or which god they may believe in or who they fall in love with.

As it stands right now this world we live in is hurtling towards an explosive end, while we watch disaster after disaster unfolding from the safety of our social media feeds. One of the main contenders for US president is a man who spews out the most ignorant and insulting ideas and policies, people are more occupied by stockpiling guns and rifles rather than stopping mass shootings, rich white kids are getting away with rape and murder while black kids rot in prison on drug charges and everyone is more interested in the newest iPhone than what is happening in places like Syria and Sudan. Men and women are still being sent out to places like Afghanistan and Iraq to get rid of terrorism but at the same time these same countries are supporting regimes that treat their women as subhumans incapable of doing anything of their own accord. Tabloids scream headlines accusing immigrants of stealing jobs and housing and welfare checks and the public believes every word without even a second glance. Nowadays, in addition to the colour of your skin, your religion (if you have one), your gender and your sexual orientation you are also considered "legal" or "illegal". So if you are born black, are gay, practice Islam and don't have a visa to the country you now reside in, well you are completely fucked. If you are white, Christian, a US citizen, male and heterosexual then you probably stand a chance of getting through your life without too many issues. Especially if you stay behind your white picket fence and only mingle with those who are exactly like you. I’m not saying you will never have a problem, but I’m saying that it may be easier to get out of them.

But who wants to be stuck with just people who look and think like you?? This world is so vibrant and colourful and full of different people and thoughts and ideas! By stepping over our self-imposed boundaries and reaching out towards others we can only learn. And by learning more we understand more. And by understanding more we learn to fear less. Fear breeds ignorance and there are too many people on this planet who would rather we remain fearful and ignorant, than learned and brave. It doesn’t matter where you come from in this world, who you are, where you have been and where you will go, there will always be something to learn from somebody else.

Every time there is a massacre in the (Western) world my social media feeds are blown up with flags and “thoughts and prayers”. And while thoughts are nice and you may think your god is going to reach out and help somehow, somewhere, these things are NOT providing concrete help. Speak up about ignorance, contact your leaders about gun policies and reforms, reach out to people who of different colours, heritages, religions and sexual orientations and learn about their lives, make a stand to actually CHANGE the way people think. Consume less and donate more, whether it is time or money, think before you speak and learn before you speak. Hatred is so prevalent in our society and it needs to be uprooted and destroyed. I for one am aiming to make sure that my children understand that we are all the same and all different and that we treat everyone with respect, kindness and love. We don’t all have to LIKE each other, but we should all respect and listen to each other.

When a person walks into another person’s safe haven, loads a gun and sprays bullets into anyone he can hit or when another person shoots a politician because she was trying to make life more bearable for refugees then we can’t ask ourselves questions about whether these were or were not hate crimes, or on what type of gun sprays bullets and what doesn’t. We need to stop getting bogged down in semantics, fighting with one another over definitions and actually start acting. Recognise your privilege and start fighting for real change, as this can only come about if we all work together against hatred and ignorance.

Don’t get me wrong, I know full well that we will never, ever live in a world where everything is sunshine and happiness. There are always going to be people focused on power and control over others, and there will always be people who are wary of differences. There will always be hatred and there will always be war. I may be an idealist and too empathetic for my own good, but I’m also not stupid. I know that I’m not going to change the world with love and I know I’m not going to change people’s mind with a blog post. I however cannot just sit back and pretend none of this is happening, apathetic and braindead. I can at least TRY to change some minds, and if we all TRY then maybe this place will be a better place for the next generations. And only we can start making that happen.

I’m so so so DONE with watching another hate crime go down and nothing changing. How on earth can we expect to stomp our beliefs all over other countries when we can’t even make the proper changes at home? I honestly don’t care if an AK-15 is an assault weapon or not, but I do care that it was used to kill over 50 innocent people just because someone hated them. Hatred isn’t blind; it knows exactly who it is targeting. No more excuses. No more.

Sidenote: I just finished reading I Shall Live: Surviving the Holocaust at all Odds by Henry Orenstein. Not the first Holocaust recount that I have read and most likely not the last, but it really hit home about how easily one person can convince another to hate. We should be learning from our collective past rather than just classifying it in history books.